# FOLDED

The ruling against on-line gambling in Gauteng this week means that yet another fun part of my life has now been denied me. The advertising has been BANNED and the operations have been BANNED (presumably by people like Dr Saloojee – see below).

What is it about these obsessed and happiness-challenged bullies that they believe the only way to control anything is simply to BAN it?

I absolutely loved playing on-line poker, and at Silversands and Piggs Peak (now both closed) I could settle down for a pleasant mini-tournament which would take me about 45 minutes and cost R11.00. Where else can you have so much fun for so little?

Now, if I want to play poker, I have to go to a land-based casino where just the parking alone costs what I used to pay for an on-line game. And the likelihood of getting a game at such low stakes is absolutely zero. In fact, the chances of my being tempted to put money into a slot or play for higher stakes are huge. So no do-gooder can ever tell me they banned it because they were “protecting me”.

In any event I don’t need protecting. But there are a lot of people who need some education about the dangers of gambling – and you see them trooping into land-based casinos all the time. I don’t see anyone looking out for their interests. You also see them buying lottery tickets with money they’ve “saved” by not buying food – where’s the social responsibility there? On the other hand, on-line gaming doesn’t rely on desperately poor people playing games where the odds are stacked heavily against them.

This whole business stinks to high heaven and you might very well believe there’s serious skulduggery going on. I, of course, couldn’t possibly comment.


# YEAH, LET’S JUST BAN EVERYTHING

And speaking about banning things…I was interviewed on CNBCA recently (channel 410) and learned a few things. Firstly I look like a buffoon, secondly I tend to hunch-over like a Dickensian ledger clerk and thirdly I nervously keep touching my nose and shifting my eyes about. So I have a lot to learn.

The two interviewers (Fenly Foxen and Jacqui Nel) were gorgeous and intelligent – so that was fun. One of the other guests, Adrian Botha (Association for Responsible Alcohol use) is an eloquent and reasonable man, but the other guy, Dr. Yussuf Saloojee (Executive Director: National Council Against Smoking) was a real pain in my opinion. One of those guys about whom you can’t help but wonder how he’s managed to avoid scars and broken noses from the people he must have irritated over the years.

One of those people who are loud, constantly interrupting and are convinced they know more than anyone else on the planet.

Anyway it was very enjoyable – but have you ever watched this channel? It’s seriously good with some really interesting programming. I rate it highly and it’s on my “favourite channels” list – try it for yourself. CNBCA Channel 410.

By the way, I’m hoping to put a clip of the interview on my web site – I’ll let you know.


# NEWSTIME STORY

I’ve just posted quite an interesting comment about social networking for my Thursday column. (“I know the colour of your knickers”) – just go to http://www.newstime.co.za
In the meantime here’s a joke you’ve probably heard a dozen times before.


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome driver won’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why he keeps looking.

“Well, I have a question but I don’t want to offend you” the cabbie says.

“My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun for as long as I have, you see and hear just about everything. I’m sure there’s nothing you could ask me which I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy about kissing a Nun.”

So she replies “well let’s see what we can do about that but firstly you must be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

“Yes! I’m single and a Catholic!”

So he pulls into an alley and the Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they were back on the road the cab driver started crying.

“My dear child, why are you so upset?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess. I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The Nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party.”



Hey! It’s Spring and everything’s coming up.

Chris

 

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot."

- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."

- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show... so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."